sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
