I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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