If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
