The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
