I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
