It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
the liver wants what the liver wants
this hospital has no fireball
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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