And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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