we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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