He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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