Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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