I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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