you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
