my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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