my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
