i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
