Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
