the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Text me some of your sweat
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