Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
