Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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