Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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