my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
