he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
