i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
