The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk is not a location!
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
