I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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