Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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