i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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