Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
