Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
