every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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