im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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