how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
