Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize