he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
