Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize