I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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