I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
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