Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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