The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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