It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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