I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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