so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
