I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
