Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
