so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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