I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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