"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
