I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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