I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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