Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
