just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
