I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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