You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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