can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
We are two peas in an std pod
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize