I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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