she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
