yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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