Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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